I used to think that if I felt two opposite things at the same time, something was wrong with me.
How could I love someone and also be frustrated with them? How could I be excited about a change and terrified of it at the same time? How could I be grateful for where I am, and still want more?
I thought I had to pick one. If I couldn't decide how I felt, I must not have figured myself out yet. So I would suppress one feeling to make room for the other. I would tell myself: choose. You can't have both.
This week, I tried something different: I let both feelings exist.
I didn't try to resolve them. I didn't try to figure out which one was "true." I just sat with the discomfort of holding two opposing truths in the same hand. Grateful — and wanting more. Happy for someone — and jealous. Confident — and terrified.
It was uncomfortable. My mind wanted to collapse the contradiction. Pick one. Resolve it. Move on. But I kept them both open. Like holding two doors at the same time, without walking through either.
What I noticed was this: conflicting feelings don't cancel each other out. They coexist. And trying to force clarity too early actually makes things less clear — because you end up denying half of what you're feeling.
I can be grateful for this city and want to leave it. I can love my work and want to change it. I can be proud of who I am and still want to become someone else. None of these are contradictions. They are the texture of being alive.
This week's practice — if you want it:
Notice one moment today where you feel two things at once. It can be small — excited and nervous about a meeting, happy for a friend and a little envious, tired and restless at the same time.
Don't try to fix it. Don't try to decide which one is "real." Just notice that both are there. Say to yourself: Both are true. I don't need to choose.
If that feels like too much, just notice one conflicting feeling today. That's all.
Or skip it. The exercise is here if you want it — not because you need it.
I held two conflicting feelings today. They're still there. I haven't resolved them. And I'm learning that that's allowed.
Not every contradiction needs to be solved. Some just need to be witnessed.